My God, My God,
why have You forsaken Me?
Why are You so far from helping Me,
And from the words of My groaning?
Why are You so far from helping Me,
And from the words of My groaning?
Psalm 22:1 (NKJV)
Doubt and despair. How could I have fallen from such great heights of wonder and delight in two days?
The common cold has descended upon my head and throat and chest. Weighing me down; tempting me to despair. You may laugh at me or you may hurl curses at me depending on how deep your struggle with doubt and despair.
I used to find comfort and challenge in the quote from Marilla Cuthbert in Anne of Green Gables, “To despair is to turn your back on God.” But I’m not so sure about it anymore. Often the root of my despair rests in a sense that God has abandoned me to this germ-infested, pain-ridden world, full of brokenness and irreparable damage. Death and dying trumps life and living so many times that it’s simply impossible not to lose hope.
Even Jesus, anguished over the where are you God question:
And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” which is translated, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Mark 15:34 NKJV)
Jesus died on the cross. He surrendered to death and joy did come in the morning, but the hours in between still were marked with grief, doubt and despair.
Am I willing to w[rest]le with the despair long enough for it to bring new life?
I am not encouraging anyone to have an affair with despair, but at least let hopelessness do its work, let it bring you to your knees. Let the dark envelop you so that the light shining in the darkness means something–really truly gets into your heart, soul and mind.
And then once we’ve honestly poured out our wailings day and night, the gentle spirit will whisper a simple thought: Hope. Hope again.
O Holy Night (John Sullivan Dwight)
Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here come the wise men from Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.
He knows our need,
to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King, Before Him lowly bend!
Intuition Diaries 